Posted by Matthew Scinocca on June 19, 2020
Written by Matthew Scinocca, RP
ForCanadian Men’s Health Week, counsellor Matthew Scinocca reflects on mental health, emotional wellbeing and the stigma young men still experience in these conversations.
When I was growing up in Toronto in the 1960s and 70s no one talked about mental health. It was not something that people were comfortable discussing openly and honestly, especially if they were struggling with their own mental health issues. Occasionally, I would hear a reference to someone seeing a psychiatrist or a ‘shrink’ because they had experienced what was referred to as a ‘nervous breakdown’. These ‘incidents’ were whispered in hushed tones.
Thankfully, North American society is slowly developing a more accepting tone and encouraging more open dialogue around our understanding of mental health. It is certainly more acceptable today to talk about our own mental health and there is less of a stigma around seeking help from a counsellor or therapist as a way of promoting our own emotional wellbeing.
The first and perhaps most important step in successfully managing our mental health is knowing that we must be agents for our own emotional wellness. We are the ones responsible for maintaining our own psychological and mental well being and there are many effective ways to do so.
We are told from a young age that to be physically healthy we must get the proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep. This is not a mystery and we are all in the continuous process of keeping ourselves physically healthy by managing these three essential elements (which of course, also have an impact on our emotional wellbeing). We also have a sense of the consequences if we do not take this responsibility seriously.
However, we are not told that we are responsible for our own mental health. It’s true! We are equally responsible for our own mental well being and there are important, effective exercises and activities that, if practiced, will promote a healthier state of mind. Promoting and maintaining our mental health is a practice that requires our constant attention and energy. It is not something to be left to chance.
Although it is more acceptable now for a teenage boy to share his mental health struggles (or successes) or ask for assistance, there still exists significant barriers that make it difficult for him to openly seek support for his own psychological and emotional wellbeing.
One of these barriers is still the prevailing belief that men are expected to maintain a ‘strong’ exterior by keeping their emotions hidden and in check.
Unless of course it is anger- it is still ‘acceptable’ for men to display their anger. Men in North America and around the world, have still not been given permission to acknowledge and express their emotions. Many men are still being told that there is no room for their emotions. To be viewed as a strong male you are required to suppress and ignore feelings of sadness, isolation and fear (and even positive feelings of joy and happiness).
For this reason, it is still difficult for many males to openly express what they are feeling without being judged as weak or less than a man. If he is experiencing any emotional challenges he is expected to deal with them himself, without help or support or an option for sharing his experience with family and friends.
Instead of feeling encouraged to acknowledge and explore his feelings, he is still being told in both subtle and explicit ways that it is not ‘manly’ to do so. Why is this so problematic? For the fundamental reason that one’s own responsibility for their mental health begins with an acceptance and even a comfort with one’s own emotions.
As males, if we take this responsibility seriously, then we must reject the connection between emotional expression and weakness. To be human is to feel. It is not a sign of weakness to both acknowledge and share how we are feeling. In fact, it is an essential step in taking responsibility for our own mental health. How many times have you felt better after sharing what is happening inside you with a trusted friend or family member (and if you haven’t may I suggest that you begin to use this very important strategy?) We are in a much better place to manage our emotional experiences and states of mind when we are able to get our feelings out and for them to be acknowledged, heard and understood by another.
Can you imagine developing a closer connection with your emotional states and perhaps sharing them with someone else? Like most other intentions this requires your focus and energy. It also requires patience with ourselves.
The next time you experience a strong emotional response whether it is to a song or a movie or an interaction with someone, take a moment to acknowledge that your feelings are present. We usually experience our feelings in our bodies first. Try to pay attention to what is going on in your chest and throats and abdomen.
You may not know exactly what you are feeling but just acknowledging them is the first step. Give them a little space to express themselves. Try to let them have a voice without getting overwhelmed. Ask yourself if you are able to identify and name any of what you are feeling. It may help to have a comprehensive list of common human emotions to help you better identify what is going on inside of you.
Also try to be aware of the familiar ways in which you judge yourself or are otherwise uncomfortable with having emotions in the first place. If you can, try to put aside these familiar judgements remind yourself that they are your feelings, that you have every right to appreciate and explore them, and you have a responsibility to your mental health.
Is it possible to picture yourself sharing your feelings with a family member or friend? What comes up for you when you begin to imagine this possibility?
Try to be aware of a second layer of feelings that arise in you when you think about sharing your original emotions. Think of someone who you can trust to be sensitive and would be receptive to hearing about your emotional experience.
It is important to be patient with ourselves and understand that this is a place of personal growth and it will take time. However, there are significant benefits to developing a closer relationship to our own emotions despite what we may have been told in the past.
The process of becoming more familiar and more comfortable with our emotional states is an extremely important and worthwhile goal even though it can be complicated and confusing. Don’t give up. It is worth the struggle.
Good luck on your journey in taking greater responsibility for your own mental health.
Matthew is a retired high school guidance counsellor who spent 25 years guiding teens and assisting them with both personal and academic issues.
Now that he is a psychotherapist, he continues to be inspired by the energy and idealism that he encounters in teens. It is meaningful for him to help teens and their parents develop an open relationship. He wants to help teenagers through both the larger and smaller challenges they face in these critical years.
Matthew’s clinical approach is primarily relational. He fosters and develops a strong relational bond that will allow for both exploration and healing. His clinical work is also supported by training in Emotionally Focused Therapy and Internal Family Systems.