Posted by Ellie Lathrop on December 03, 2020
Written by Ellie Lathrop, MSW, RSW
There may be a part of you that is dreading the upcoming holiday season, with the echo of the infamous Game of Thrones phrase, “winter is coming”.
I don’t know about you, but I’m noticing a collective weariness with the teens and families I know. My own daughters are in grade 12 and in 4th year university and it is stressful in many ways. There is all of the usual stress of school and exams and friends and then layers missing the things that are fun and restorative; our friends, extended family, activities from sports to dance.
Even if there wasn’t a global pandemic, the holidays can be hard. Families can tend to have more conflict during these times. Reasons for this range, but it can often be associated with spending time together in close quarters, the pressure from expectations of having a good time and the fact that no one can annoy you quite like your family.
As I was writing this, my family contributed their own ideas about what is helpful, from high speed internet (my husband who works in telecom!), to radical acceptance and unconditional positive regard (my daughter who is studying psychology!). Here are my own suggestions from my many years of being a social worker and therapist:
We can often anticipate the things within our family that lead to conflict. In my own family having a meal plan is a life saver, because when we are hungry, decision making doesn’t go well.
Think about what might be hard then discuss and plan in advance at a moment when everyone is generally calm. This could be about what movie to watch or that you are having a zoom call with the grandparents on Sunday afternoon and want your teens to participate. We all generally do better with advance notice.
Whether you post something on your fridge, have a family meeting or 1:1 talks, it can be helpful to think about all of the restrictions that we are facing and how to ensure that you can try to make some important things happen. What would each family member want to make sure is part of your holiday season? For me it is making a gingerbread house. Maybe it is ice skating or working on a puzzle together or everyone having a pyjama day. What is something that is part of your family culture that you want to celebrate?
Spending time with friends is one of the most important things for teens, and heading into a second lockdown is definitely hard for young people. Acknowledging the losses associated with missing friends, going out, shopping or whatever it is, is beneficial. It soothes our nervous system to have these types of losses or challenges acknowledged, full stop. That means don’t add on the “silver lining” or other reassurances, right away at least.
You work really hard to make a nice meal and then you teen doesn’t want to come down, or everyone is on their phone or ____________ (insert personal trigger here) and then you end up yelling.
Part of what leads to conflict around the holidays is that we want it all to go a certain way. If you can, take a breath and notice that you are starting to become irritable, then try to remember what is important. We will remember how we felt during the holidays.
If conflict breaks out and there are hurt feelings, try a ‘do-over’. Take some time, a few moments or longer (until you feel calm) and then re-connect. Loop back to your child, partner or others and try saying something like “I’m sorry that didn’t go well. Can we try again?” Use what works in your family whether that is humour or playfulness or offer a compromise, it will be appreciated.
Conflict is a part of life and it is definitely a part of family life. We are never perfect parents and we will get upset and overreact, as will our children. At the same time, if we can acknowledge that this happens and name the emotional experiences, we shift our relationship to these experiences. We can practice self-compassion and embrace our imperfection.
2020 has been a hard year in so many ways. I hope that you and your family are able to find ways to connect and nurture your relationships with one another during these times at home. Wishing you a safe and peaceful holiday season.
Warmly, Ellie
Counselling can help you decode why things escalate and how miscommunication and misunderstanding can lead to conflict. At the Toronto Counselling Centre for Teens, we work with teens and their family’s to help them thrive with each other. If you think counselling may be beneficial during this difficult season, please reach out for a free consultation call. In-person and online options are available.
info@counsellingtorontoteens.com